Have A Little Faith

It has been a week today and I still cringe at the thought that the words actually came out of my mouth.  I know better.  It was a heartbroken moment and in haste through the tears, I spoke.  Before I thought about the words I was saying. 

I had just left the ICU where a sweet friend, Wendy, lay on life support due to an adverse reaction to some medication she was prescribed for a fairly minor illness.  Perfectly healthy…until now.  Weeks prior, we had talked about our lives raising teenage daughters and all that entails to include grades, boyfriends, their futures, their faith, and so much more. 

At the hospital, her husband, Tony, greeted me and took me back to see her.  We entered the room and he stood back at the sink area.  As I approached her, he said, “She has been the love of my life for 28 years.”  For fear my voice would crack, I shook my head with a knowing smile and acknowledgement.  Their son, Sam, a sixth grader, stood on one side of her bed and I stood on the other.  I rubbed her arm and I asked Sam to hold her hand while I held the other.  I led the prayer as we prayed for a miracle and pleaded with God to spare her life, as so many had prayed before and after that moment in time that week. 

I visited with her family in the ICU waiting room and when it was time to go, I hugged them all - first the oldest child, Hannah, and then the youngest child, Kayla.  Sam, the middle child, was last and by far the most profound of all. He hugged me tightly and I reciprocated.   It was like a death grip in the most literal form.  It was as if we were holding on to each other on a delicate balance so as not to fall off the edge of a cliff.  In my heart, it was his way of thanking me for praying for a miracle for his sweet mother, but it was something so many of us had done – not just me.  This hug from a sixth grade boy, who was clinging to everything he could to save the life of his mother changed my life forever and I can honestly say I will never be the same. 

I drove home in tears and that’s when the words that I said spewed forth.  Unfortunately, words that now make me cringe when I think of them.  I was the only one in the car and with tears streaming down my face, I asked “How could the God of Abraham who raised Lazarus from the dead allow a sweet mother of three children to be in this condition and possibly lose her life?”   

The truth is, Sam and I both were teetering on the edge of a cliff.  My cliff was a test of faith.  Sam’s cliff will now be adjusting to life without his mom because the next day, Wendy did lose her life here on earth, but oh, what she gained when she entered Heaven’s gates.  She lives on forever with Jesus in Glory.   

The service was beautiful and one I will never forget.  Tony’s eulogy beautifully described the virtuous woman Wendy was to all of us.  Our pastor could not have said it better when he addressed the three children and encouraged them to live in faith as their mother would want.  That was the legacy she left for them.  These words were meant to speak to them, but they so powerfully spoke to me – live in faith. 

This quote by Julian of Norwich hangs on my refrigerator and I might need to stop and read it as a reminder a little more often.  “See that I am God. See that I am in everything. See that I do everything. See that I have never stopped ordering my works, nor ever shall, eternally. See that I lead everything on to the conclusion I ordained for it before time began, by the same power, wisdom and love with which I made it. How can anything be amiss?” 

I am thankful we serve a God of grace and forgiveness and that even in my moment of weakness, He still loves me and He forgives me for my doubt.  

Have a little faith.