If Walls Could Talk

There was a television show several years ago on HGTV called "If Walls Could Talk" which featured people who found hidden treasures of all kinds in their homes left behind by previous owners. Those treasures could be found in walls, floors and in all sorts of nooks and crannies - BUT you had to make this great discovery.

We were blessed enough to find a hidden treasure in our home back in the spring of 2012.  We had lived here for five years and Hannah was away on a spring break school trip to Washington, D.C.  Barry and I were painting her room and redecorating it as a surprise for her return.  We were scurrying around to get it all finished when he went into the attic to look at some wiring.  While he was there, he discovered a little cubby with a pull string chain light and a letter sitting in that space.  We had not ventured to that area of the attic until then.

The letter had been written on a piece of paper from a spiral notebook in red marker and it was from the children two owners back who used to live in this house.  The letter read: "To whoever lives here now. This is a message to a kid who might want to use this place - we used it as a Christmas hideout. We, meaning, the children who lived here before you and our next door neighbor, my best friend, Amy Pierce. My bedroom was the middle one upstairs. This place is sacred to us and so is this house so please be good and care for this home.   <3 Emily, Amy & Justin Verret. P.S. We lived here for 20 years."

The letter is tattered and discolored and it has tiny holes in it.  It has survived many a Texas summer in the extremely hot attic and for the life of her, Hannah still cannot not figure out why I would frame it and hang it in the hallway of our home upstairs near the attic door.  "It's just not pretty, Mom", she says.  But to me it's not about pretty.  It's about life and love and special memories that were once made in this home by the Verret family, especially their three children, who ran and played upstairs and in that attic for many years. 

Our street is comprised of a few middle aged home owners like us as well as some of the original homeowners who have lived here for over 30 years. We have shared the letter with several neighbors who know the Verret children and one neighbor in particular sent a photo of the letter to their mother, Sherry, who has now shared it with them.  Sherry contacted me recently and told me how much her children loved this home and how difficult it was for them to leave it when they moved  AND that they did remember leaving a letter in the attic.  While the letter lists all three children, it is influenced and written by Emily, who did not want to leave this home or her best friend, Amy, who lived next door.

I truly believe that no material thing on this earth can bring you true peace and happiness and I know that it was not this house or its structure that brought them joy. After all, we love it, but it's just a beige/brick, two-story English Tudor style house, built in 1977 and certainly not exquisite by today's standards. However, it was exquisite to their hearts and it is to ours.

If we ever move, that framed letter will remain hung on the wall upstairs by the attic door because it doesn't belong to our family.  It belongs to this house, which was a home to a special family before us. 

My hope is that our family will always cherish this home, which we jokingly refer to as the BB&B (Bullard Bed and Breakfast), as one that is filled with love and so very many special memories  - some that make you smile, some that make you laugh until it hurts, and some that are so precious they will make you cry.

 

(This is the letter shortly after we found it before framing and hanging it.)

To: Poppy. Love, Hannahpooh.

It was the last gift she could ever give him - only it wasn’t a gift wrapped in pretty paper with a beautiful ribbon as she so loves to do.  It was something wrapped in the deepest form of love you can imagine.  Love from a granddaughter to a grandfather. 

 

Starting at my sixth month of pregnancy, we knew her name would be Hannah Lynn Bullard. She was conceived even when the specialists told us it was very unlikely that it could happen.  She is our one and only child and she is our miracle.  So how could we name her anything else but Hannah, a child we had so prayed for just as Hannah prayed for a child she named Samuel? 

To my stepdad, Gary, known as Poppy to his grandchildren, her name was Hannahpooh from the moment she was born. Behind her beautiful smile and somewhat tough exterior, she has a heart that she protects most of the time.  In her almost 16 years of life, I have only witnessed her experience a truly heartbreaking cry on three occasions:  during the movies The Secret Life of Bees and Steel Magnolias and at Poppy’s funeral during the Chris Rice song Untititled Hymn when he sings the words “fly to Jesus and live”. 

 

Poppy came to live with us during the summer of 2012.  He had been fighting cancer for several years and came to Houston to undergo surgery and radiation/chemo at MD Anderson Cancer Center.  His surgery involved removing most of the skin from his upper thigh area and grafting it on his facial cheek area and throat to replace the skin removed with the tumor.  This was scary for a teenage girl and Hannah wasn’t sure how to process it.  He didn’t look the same after surgery, but we were hopeful….hopeful until he shared with us that he did not want to undergo radiation or chemo.  He said he was just tired and wanted to be with Jesus and with Meme, my mom, who had passed away in 2007.   

 

We were all somewhat angry with him and just could not understand why he would not continue to fight for his life at one of the best cancer centers anywhere. To our disappointment, he decided that he wanted to go back home to Georgia and would take what would come as it did.  It wasn’t long before the cancer was back with a vengeance, he was placed in hospice and his life here on earth would end. 

 

On the plane ride to Georgia, Hannah took out her ipad and crafted these words, which she so eloquently delivered at his funeral one year ago today.

 

“Poppy always had a lot of love. He was full of fun and adventure. He was really just a big kid at heart. I remember one day in the summer when Austin, Aubrey, and I had this bright idea to roll down Meme and Poppy's big driveway in office chairs. Of course he was all for it! We had the best time that day. Poppy knew how to have fun.

Poppy was also a man of God. I remember from the time I was born him reading to me from his Bible. Poppy loved the LORD and I always looked up to him for that. Poppy taught me to never be ashamed of what you believe.

When I came home from camp this summer and my mom told me he wasn't going to go through anymore treatments of radiation we were all upset with him, but Poppy knew his time to meet the LORD was coming near. Looking back, we shouldn't have gotten mad or upset with him because Philippians 1:23 says: “ I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account.” Poppy didn't need to remain in the flesh on our account.

Seeing Poppy sick devastated me and my family.  Anyone who saw him sick knew that he wasn't the same upbeat Poppy who loved to eat all of his southern foods.  When I found out about him going to be with the LORD I was sad of course, but then realized this was a celebration. Ecclesiastes 3 says: "there is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens:
-a time to be born and a time to die
-a time to be silent and a time to speak
-a time to weep and a time to laugh
-a time to mourn and a time to dance"

Today I choose to dance.”

 

We know that you are dancing now too, Poppy, and that the scars on your thigh and face are gone and your body is new.   You were not a perfect man, but a man who lived on this earth who experienced life, needed forgiveness - which you have received, and who loved to have fun.  Hope you are pushing some little children in office chairs in Heaven, Poppy.  They will enjoy it as much as your grandchildren did.

 

Thank you for your love.

 

 

Untitled Hymn by Chris Rice

 

 

 

 

Were You Loved Enough?

My personal testimony is based on gratitude and thankfulness because it is the most beautiful way to truly see Jesus Christ in your life.  I am thankful for so very many things - including times of hurt, because after all, it is in those times and following when you realize the presence of a mighty Savior who led you through it. 

I am most thankful for the unconditional love of a Risen Savior.  There is a line in the movie Divine Secrets of the Yaya Sisterhood that is in the forefront of my mind at all times about the way I want to live my life.  In the movie, the daughter, played by Sandra Bullock, asks of her dad, played by James Garner, “Daddy, were you loved enough?” and his response is, “How much is enough?” 

There will be a day, which I hope is not any time in the near future, when I will attend the funeral of a man I really do not know.  I don’t know his favorite color.  I don’t know his favorite food.  For that matter, I don’t know his favorite anything and the most heartbreaking of all – I don’t know what he loves and if he truly loves me.  This man is my father, a man that has been so hurt by loss and circumstance that it seems his heart is eaten alive with anger and with bitterness.  We have not seen each other much during my life or even talked on the phone much because I decided that I would try to distance myself as a means of self-protection from constant hurt from cruel words and rejection.  However, I did share with him in a short phone conversation several years ago, that to me it felt like his heart was like a closed fist and encouraged him to open it because a closed heart cannot receive or give love.  His response was “I know” … but nothing ever changed. 

There is nothing I have ever wanted more than to be the apple of my father’s eye, and to be his princess and a daddy’s girl.  From the ages of 6 to 12, not a year went by when I would blow out the candles on my birthday cakes, that I did not wish for this to happen; it never did.

And so I wonder -  how many years do I have left to get to know a man who is now in his seventies?  How will I feel and what will I say at his funeral?  I have no doubt that God, in His master design plan will orchestrate a sweet reunion before the end of his life so that my father’s closed fisted heart will open up and bloom like a flower to know that Jesus Loves Him Enough and so do I.  Maybe then will he know that I only wanted the same unconditional love from him. 

One of my friends, Debbie Pankey, attends a church in our area and shared with me recently that a little girl in kindergarten was baptized and before baptizing her, the  pastor read something she had jotted down on a note card.  It read “I am a princess, not because my dad is a prince, but because my Father is a King.” 

I am thankful that my Heavenly father is a King and I’m His Princess -  and that my answer to the question were you loved enough would be MORE than enough.  

What's In Your Treasure Box?

When we headed out on our move from Georgia to Texas, my mom and stepdad gave my daughter, Hannah, a “treasure box”.  The type of pretty display box you would buy from Kirkland’s with the brown metal imprinted top and wooden sides with a sliding lock on the front.  It was filled with handwritten cards, little books, and some figurines that would always be remembrances of her grandparents no matter how many miles they were apart.  Before both of their passings, we were fortunate enough to receive more cards to add to the treasures.  This precious box has its very own special place on our entry foyer table.  
 

One day when Hannah was probably in fifth grade or so I noticed the box was missing.  She had taken it upstairs to her room to refamiliarize herself with its contents.  She had placed the contents of that precious box out on her bed.  It was evident that Hannah needed them that day in her own space close to her heart. 

I immediately saw the scattered contents and my heart sank.  It was as if someone had drained my bank account.  This truly is no exaggeration because those treasures mean the world to me and I would never be able to replace them.  Even though material things in this life truly have insignificant value to me, on days when I want to call my mom, I know I have her sweet cards to read to provide comfort and a little bit of her presence.

This past spring I read the book Treasured by Leigh McElroy.  She begins her story by sharing about a treasure box she received in the mail with her grandfather’s belongings and what those treasures said about his life.  She goes on to ask an important question and that is what would be left in your treasure box after you leave this world?  What kind of life do you live and how do people know you? What things or moments would they associate with you?

I thought about my life and what I hope is placed in a treasure box I might leave behind, more importantly the treasures I hope to place in the hearts of others, but I gave more thought to the treasures of a sweet lady who was Hannah’s ninth grade Sunday School teacher, Mrs. Marianne Prichard. 

When Hannah received a card in the mail from Mrs. Marianne introducing herself before her ninth grade promotion Sunday, I knew that I would instantly love her – and I did.  She had a way with all the girls.  They knew she genuinely loved them and they knew they could tell her anything - even things they might not wish to share with their parents.  She and Jesus were their confidants.  Mrs. Marianne had the sweetest smile and the sweetest heart, but all the while she was suffering with cancer.  Through her chemo/radiation treatments and her body that began to fail, she had a most positive outlook and I looked at her with admiration – admiration of a woman who either suffered in silence or was completely overtaken with the love of Jesus because she knew the ultimate outcome of her final prognosis.

 

I think about Mrs. Marianne’s treasure box, which would be filled with every color nail polish that exists.  She always polished nails at the church fall festival and when we went to visit her at hospice several days before she went to be with Jesus, her nails were done in beautiful colors with a glittery finish.  I think about all the sweet cards and messages she sent to “her girls”.  I think about a pillow case that was made for her which described her to a “T”.  It was based on this poem:

“What Cancer Cannot Do”

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

And I think about the faces of each girl who sat in the church pews at her funeral.  These things probably wouldn’t even begin to fill up Mrs. Marianne’s treasure box.  She was a treasure on earth who is no doubt receiving her treasures in Heaven.

What’s in your treasure box?

 

 

Have You Ever Smelled the Breath of the Devil?

There are two metal artwork signs displayed around the back patio of our home.  One is placed above our back door and reads in decorative script “Bless This Home and All Who Enter Here” and the other one is placed above our dog leash hanger and has a beautiful dove displayed with its wing outstretched and the verse Psalm 91:4  “He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge.”  I was excited to purchase these about a year ago because the minute I saw them I truly felt they genuinely reflected the hospitality of our home and our heartfelt need to make everyone who visits feel welcome.  I had no idea how real these signs would indeed become to our family and to our home. 

We jokingly refer to our home to our out of town family as the BB&B, which stands for Bullard Bed and Breakfast,  as it is always open for them to come and visit.  We were excited back in May, as my mother in law and brother in law were coming for a week’s visit to attend my daughter’s freshman tennis banquet.  Their rooms were ready and we were excited about their arrival.   

As strange as this is going to sound, it was obvious from the moment he stepped into our home that my brother in law was not the only “being” in his body.  I have heard of spiritual warfare and have experienced it on a small level, but never before to the magnitude that would unfold over the next few days. 

It started out as this sort of invisible tornadic activity within him that entered our low maintenance, drama free home.  However, within one afternoon you could see that this evil spirited tornado was apparent and would be with us until the night before his departure.  It upset our entire family – including my daughter, who dearly loves her uncle but because of the unhappiness in his heart which was TRYING to dictate unhappiness in our home, she was ready for him to leave.    

I think it would be safe for me to say that for most of his life, he has relied on others to make him happy and in spite of praying the sinner’s prayer (numerous times) he has never really surrendered his life to Jesus.  During his visit, he attended church with us and as usual, our pastor preached a sermon that could not be more perfect  - John 14:2 “In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.”  Our pastor’s emphasis was on the home in your heart where Jesus lives and that you should never be “homeless”… homeless without Jesus.  My mother in law sat in tears during that sermon because it could not have been more timely or more perfect.  However, to our disappointment it was not well received by him.  In fact, the next day, he seemed more outraged than before.   

Behind my sweet smile, this low drama girl had seen the devil in her home long enough and it was time to see him go!  If you really know me, you know that I don’t do confrontation.  I will throw my southern sugar coated spin on it to get a point across.  But, let me just tell you at that moment, I DID confrontation!  After all, I was not confronting my brother in law, I was confronting the devil.  I let him know that under no circumstances were the demons within him no longer welcome in our home and that in the end, the devil would not win anyway.  He shook his hands in the air at me with frustration and asked me what he needed to do since he’d already prayed the sinner’s prayer several times.  It was in that very moment, I felt the Holy Spirit within me and I grabbed a hold of him and through the tears prayed for him to feel the love of Jesus and for the demons to release his life.  And a release is what it was for the both of us – at least at that moment in time.  The sweetest thing I will remember from that night was when my husband kissed me on the cheek and said, “That was a lot harder than teaching a sixth grade girl on Sunday at Sunday School, huh?”  I smiled as a tear ran down my cheek knowing I had his full support and approval.  He later said that the BB&B had been transformed to a mission that particular week. 

My brother in law is still in the process of “finding himself” and learning how to trust God.  I am in prayer for a complete surrender and a life for him that is filled with the simpleness of God’s peace and love.  In reflecting back on it, that whole experience was growth for me.  You see, growing up, my brother, Britt, and I grew up in a home where it was easier to go with the flow than to ever cause conflict.  Well, I had just faced conflict AND confrontation. I could not wait to call my brother to share in my confrontation experience because of all the people in the world, he would get me.  I could feel his smile through his words over the phone which made my heart happy.   

I can now answer the question to the title of this blog entry first hand.  Yes, I have smelled the breath of the devil and faced his fire first hand!  It’s no match for my God.  Psalm 91:4  “He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge.” 

Are You RIGHT Where God Wants You?

I remember the day as if it was yesterday, a fairly warm day in February 2007.  The huge 18 wheeler moving truck pulled up to our house on Saddlecreek Drive in Douglasvile, Georgia to load up everything that belonged to our family.  After what seemed like hours of loading, they pulled away to begin their drive to deliver the contents to our new home in Kingwood, Texas.   

My husband, Barry had accepted a job transfer and so it was that we were leaving everything we had known our entire lives in our small town to begin our new adventure.  I was truly excited about what this new adventure would hold for us. So much so, that I remember my best friend, Kim, my brother, Britt, and my mom were all saddened with tears because of our impending move.  I didn’t cry and even felt guilty for not doing so because I knew I was going to miss them so very much.  At the time, I associated it with the fact that I was more excited about the adventure ahead than being sad about all that I was going to miss.  Little did I know what God was about to reveal to me. 

We loaded up with our sweet blonde haired third grade girl, her cat Oreo (who is no longer with us thanks to the coyote who roams Bear Branch each night) and her treasure box from her grandparents which now sits on the table in our entrance foyer.   We said our “see you laters” (not goodbyes) or so we thought and we were on our way. 

On April 27, just two short months after our move, I got the call that no one wants to receive - my mom had died suddenly that morning of a heart attack while she was getting ready for work.  Heartbroken doesn’t EVEN begin to describe how I felt.  In fact, as I have been writing this story, emotions have stirred within me and I can feel my heart in my throat. 

However, I am beyond confident in knowing Jesus holds my hand and orchestrated it all.  The night of her death, He sent her to me in the form of an angel with butterfly wings (her favorite) to comfort me and kiss me on my cheek.  Yes, it really happened.  Jesus loves me this I know. 

What I realized when I reflected upon our move and my mother’s death is that I didn’t shed tears upon leaving Georgia because God had equipped me, without even realizing it, with peace for this move.  He wanted me right here where I am.  He didn’t want me left with the visual memory of finding her in that condition.  He wanted me to spread my wings.  He wanted me to be loved even in loss by my God sent neighbor, Ms. Lani, who was my strength in time of need.  He wanted my little three family member unit to depend on each other like never before.  He wanted me to teach sixth grade girls at my church and love them like He loves me.  All of this has happened and so, so very much more, which I will share in future stories.  What a blessing it is to know that He had me in the palm of His hand all along. 

My mother’s piano sits in my formal living room with one of her hymnals open to display her favorite one, which is covered in her handwriting all over the page.  I tease my Hannah and tell her that when she leaves to go to college, my hobby will be to learn to play the piano like my mom.  Until then, I will forever love and adore her piano and that hymn with all my heart until I can learn to feel it with my fingers too.  His Eye is on the Sparrow and I know He Watches Me.